How I feel today

I feel pretty dang great.
No really.
Like
"I'm about to go on tour and make the world a better place" kind of good.
Adventure?
Yes!
Danger?
maybe!
Time to spread some Joie de Vivre?
Heck yes.

Rant Style

How does Julia feel?
Sometimes I don't know.
It takes me a long while to feel.
especially if something is a lil' awkward or unknown
or I am gauging other people's feelings over my own.








ENTP-style
"In the ENTP, the lack of a well developed Feeling Function means that they must learn to “understand” feeling in both themselves and others and come to terms with its affects. This understanding can only come from thinking carefully about the ways feeling affects not only themselves, but others, and the importance others place on this function. The ENTP has a feeling function more or less global in character and one which does not judge fine differences. This inability to discriminate feelings can allow the ENTP to say and do much that leaves others in the cold, so an effort to think about the feeling process can be essential. "

(Well, Julia feels as such:) 
That is the essence of a good ol' fashioned Julia rant.
This is how I figure out my non-linear "ohshitIactuallyhavefeelings" feelings.
This is an old tradition of mine.
Especially I used to send these to my muses: Shean Higgins, Andrew Bateman etc.
Here is a brief disclaimer: Unlike hand-written letters, I don't expect people to read these rants. These are mostly journals when I am not certain how I feel. They do not ever involve a backspace and are a means of me holding my own thoughts transparent and accountable in thataway. By allowing them to flow. Julia rants are a time when I let myself pretend there is no time line or a need to draw connections or continium
I do not hold myself accountable in them, and not everything has hefty merit
but this does not mean it is meaningless

This journal is rant-central.

But my body is not a cage
and nor is language.
It won't keep me.

I am a Queen

This morning a lovely fellow told me I was like the Queen on a Chess board.

Able to go anywhere and rule the board in her own way

(with little patience for pairing with those who are going nowhere)

but protective of the mildly mobile King

(Those things that move slowly, but are the most meaningful to her and the whole.)

That fellow thought himself a King on a chess board

(A farmer and father and politician)

mildly mobile, but knowing always where he stands

I like this analogy, I cannot deny.

Falling in Love

I wonder if I can anymore.
Falling, that is.

Hmm.

It took me quite some time to fall in love the first time

But, I feel a lil' odd about it.
Its funny that sometimes I feel as though I should be in love.
The opportunity abounds.
and yet
There is something unbalanced about it.
I remember once my sister saying after being in love
she mediated herself into mild content
for she was suspicious of happiness
for she had come to know it eventually came with a price

Worrying about being caged can become its own prison

Just as breaking habits can become a terrible one itself.

I would hate to control someone

or be controlled

I realized some time ago that one of my biggest fears was being or having "An Ol' ball n' chain"
And I worry most about  muting the person I adore. 
I want to enrich not put out someones life fires and plans and desires.


I cannot picture the safe space
where I would be conivinced
love was a good idea.

I shall not have my wings clipped
I feel too rational for it. Can you be adult in mind about love? 
Could it then ever be called falling? Or feel like falling? 
Like that absurd all-consuming flame i remember from adolescence?.

But does this fierce indepedance mean I shall never be known?
Will I protect that intimate part of myself to a fault?
I am glad I am not easy about such things,
but it does make me wonder.
Perhaps I may stumble upon it on my path.
A stumble not a fall.
Equilibrium found?

Hmm.

My heart is a wee bit aflame though.

Conteded in some sort of blessed unrest

a long embrace

a comforting prod.

Let it be known.

I am a coward in matters of love for I have no patience for those who wont move when push comes to shove

But when I am invunerable How fragile I am and when I am intolerable who can tell me I am

and if I am so strong who is strong enough to take my hand?

If I have my own plans.

Then where has my spark gone? Can I hear the wind?

And if fortune falls in my favour, is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?

Remember: The Heart in Your MInd.

It makes sense to be kind.

It makes sense to be kind.

A Promise for Spring.

Don't let it out they might say

Your work should never look like your play

but I feel I must convey:

I ain't worked a day

I've never worked a day

And I'll pray I'll earn my keep

and that this Autumn is a promise for spring.

I'm sorry they might say

Your passions won't pay

nor will your do goodings

so just make it with what we have made

to keep the darkness at bay

just tuck your gift away

But I want to play

and put my best parts in the game

So you'll pray I'll earn my keep

but tomorrow it is

oh yes, tomorrow is

not yesterday

Tomorrow is not yesterday.

So I'll let it out and I will say:

My passion will pay. Just know your do goodings

and make it with what you are made

To lead nightmares astray

Don't let your dreams slip at way

And you'll pray I'll earn my keep

But autumn is but a promise for spring

I am a NERD

I have always self-identified as a Nerd.

My computer science pal Devin told me I was a Geek not a nerd, 

because I am too social apt.

And am obsessed with everything, not one thing

and therefore, though intelligent, am barely any of the above.

But I don't even like the word geek, it has so much cacophony and is so abrupt

I am round like the word nerd.

And, I am socially strange... perhaps not inept.

I shall stick with Nerd.

Plan Be

 

 Sweet illustrious New Year

I am absurdly privileged.

I am excited to do right by the world

And I have a good feeling

About this one

"
Get this in mind early: We never grow up.
"
 

Some call the way the world works

"The Goldilocks Paradigm."

Not too hot, not too cold. Just right.

Not too big, not too small. Just right.

A precise balance
(I think this ignores that she did steal porridge
but at least she knew what she wanted, I suppose)

"
Avoid problems, and you'll never be the one who overcame them.
"

Sometimes I gravitate towards goodness 

and live in its extremes
So I seek problems so I might solve them
My pathology and my disposition encourage such a thing.
I seek to balance it all out

I love arguments and hearing I am wrong the morbidly beautiful, mortality, the ugly, the gross
the surly, because these are the ways I can feel my growing and know that I am knowing

Somewhat similarly in love,

I don't like fellas too hot

(so that I might imagine them deluded about who I am)

so I seek a caring coldness
Because I think it a better teacher

But really, I do want to live a lovely balance

Because otherwise I cannot give all I can give

And I cannot feel my rhythms which animate me
Cannot be properly called out
and called on my shenanigans
It is no good making out the problems others have with you as their problems
even if they are?
everyone's reality is of consequence


"
Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.
"

I feel (and perhaps sometimes I pretend) everything is a mirror, and inherently a part of myself

But sometimes I forget to check for who I am
and recognize my own choices

In the Circle Game

I want to break

these bones, your prisoning rhythms

            (winter,

            summer)

all the glass cases,

erase all maps,

crack the protecting

eggshell of your turning

singing children:

I want the circle

broken.

Methinks, we all tell ourselves stories of our lives

because we all see things differently, and it is hard to deny everyone's reality is of consequence

Certainly to themselves. and if they are actors in the world then they are of consequence to us all

but it is all our own fiction we are telling ourselves and the world

and sometimes we forget to own our own fiction

That we are our writers

(Who do I want to be? Ultimately, how would I desire to be? Did that just happen?)

and for a wee while there not only did I not own my own fiction

I did not see the difference between me and the mirror

felt trapped, that something wrote me

rather than honoring my ability to respond

and did not even like the story I was telling myself








 "
Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
"

It is a beautiful freeing thing

when you remember to choose life.

Right now I am obsessed with Bees.

 

It is so so interesting that the creatures only have one method of defense

and it rips their guts out

so they are not in any way defending themselves, 

they are defending the hive.

When I was a kid I always used bees dancing as proof of the divine.

I have been thinking
About being a conduit
About what it means to feel the divine
and yourself
and other people
always.
And how to best do it without being known as crazy
and without stopping hearing the wind
or negating the value of my dreams


(Polar Dip 2011)


And how to write a story
that is the best story
The one I have inside me
a balanced story
sensible enough that
the moral might be easily applied and internalized for those who read it
and I might still be bettered for it
and feel blessed and satisfied in watching its ripples
and all facets of what might be
from who I have been

And still telling whole truth.
that I might tell
.

My first dream of the New Year that I can remember is
sailing with David Crosby

by little islands
outside of Venezeula
"Sometimes the music is strong enough... it pulls out of us a better self" -David Crosby

I feel so free.
So aware of illusions
and happy for their existence
and their meaningful meaninglessness



"
I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?

"


Abosolutely.

 I am going to go see the river man.

Potters

Cheer up mi'love

Cheer up love

Don't put on your jacket

I don't mind where you're going

But I would love to be part of where your from

If we are both the potters and the clay

we are the potters and the clay

and I love the muck with which your made

So don't let your fears

lead you to stray

sometimes it takes more courage,

To see what you have made

Don't just heed what I may say

But don't don't

forget to seize your day

And Cheer up love

Live it up Love

Don't fashion your own regrets

You may find the seeds your sewing

might need some tending yet

If we are both the potters and the clay

we are the potters and the clay

and I love the muck with which your made

If we are both the potters and the clay

we are the potters and the clay

Why don't we just take shape

I don't mind where you're going

but I would love to be part of where you're from.

Montreal

How does one describe my travels in Montreal?

We had the luck of having a ride from Enfield right to Montreal, with sweet and delightful Tim the Trucker, and had another offer with a trucker named Manjit who had a tiger claw pendant, much like Brent and my Polar Bear claws. Now there are two lovely truckers I can call in case Halifax-Montreal travels arise.

Really!

We listened to Neil Young almost the whole way, I was introduced to sweet Johnny Horton, who is certainly the best Trucking soundtrack of all time. We also rocked out to Steppenwolf and The Who, got smoked out with Players, drank novelty-cup amounts of coffee and slept with the engine running... I have never smelled so bad in my life but I was incredibly happy and blessed to run amok with such beautiful creatures.

I also got to play in the back of a truck. Yes!

 Tim Time!

 Brent and I were dropped in East Montreal, where we were basically from Industrial Avenue bee lined it to The Metro, then to Atwater Market, then we went our separate ways: I rocked Sam & Sophie's house, Matt Brown and Erica Johnson, Dayna Currie, Johnny Eaton, Athena Holmes, my beautiful cousin Christine Wight... so many more.
Brent and I even fought a lil', which I never do
So it was immensely interesting.
Oh, Montreal!

So many new loves!
So many old!

Then I played my first full-fledged house show! So much love, and so many people I wanted to hug kept coming into the room which my cousin and her newfie roomies had so lovingly lent.

Athena made this lil' video of me. Thanks Athena.

Then I played a show at La Passage on Sunday... with these awesome ladies and gent!

walter and irene

Athena Holmes

Galen Hartley

 

 Ate poutine, care of Olivier.

And team awesome Francophone.

Got boots.

Got Breakfast.

Got friends

Got thumbs

Got Quebecois finest Boreal Blanche.

Got Sleep.

Got a ride from Matt Brown

hitched 'er back on a sort of spiritual journey o' serendipity and metaphysical conversations
which remedies all fights
and cleared my mind

and.

am happily home

renewed

revived.

and

knowing better what I want in life

Who knew?

I shall visit you again, sweet Montreal.



That is all.

Weekend.

The sweet sweet day o' field trips were hailed as a 'life changer'

How I love The Dal Leadership Campaign: Launch Point.

Also, I adore Fred Morley of the Greater Halifax Partnership.

He's such a champ!
And knows the Economic Landscape of Halifax so well!

I think, perhaps, that this city is about to explode with glory.

Just sayin. Just sayin.

I spent Saturday October 30th at City Hall, GHP, touring small businesses, eating fair trade coffee then drinking beer on The Harbour Queen brainstorming the future and listening to my favorite hip hop band.

Followed by glorious

HALLOWEEN.

I saw some of the best costumes of all time on Saturday.

Followed by a night of cuddling in medieval garb watching Legend.

 

 And Friday was also Halloween, didn't cha know?

I was also garbed medievally this day.

Thanks for being you, Halifax.

So Sassy!

Old Journal

I just found my old journal.



Here is a repost from 2006:

mood: snow brain!
music: buzz

My friends Anke, Francesca, Mark and I all made it snow!
We wished for snow the day before it happened, and closed out eyes and imagined -2 snow, slow falling in large clumps. Twas beautiful! It happened!
So Francesca, the beautiful Columbian, got to see snow for the first time two days before she left! and we made snowmen, hot chocolate, had random snowball fights with strangers and got wet and cold and happy.
I'm glad I was there for someone's first snow!! She was so glad. Go Canada!
On other bright notes, school is nearly over! Not to say I have passed in everything, but that class is done.
My apartment is FREEZING. I think frugal will get me blue toes!
Luckily, I love how cold winter is because I have a beauty to keep me warm... It makes the bed that much more magical when it is cold outside the covers. Its like a snuggly tropical/festive bedland. Which makes me talk like a little kid... I have snow brain I swear! I just want to snow fight and cuddle and bake!
Ah yes... How I love winter, and looking ridiculous in nine hats and giant boots.
I'm so glad she came this year! We missed you, Goddess of the snow!
Watch out... I will throw a snowball if I see you

Autumn is a promise

 
This is my Monday. Most Monday's
A week of pure fast-paced delight.


4 days is amazing. I helped make this for them. (don't tell anyone yet!)
I love my backyard tipi and those which dwell in it.



I won some Marketing goodness from Extreme! group after rocking an elevator pitch yesterday with so many other good ideas. yum
Nocturne is boggling to the mind. I wish it happened more, it makes me so happy! Dance party at the good food was clearly fantastic. Saw more people than art though... not surprising!
The colours the colours the colours. This (even National Geographic agrees) is the best looking place in fall.
I play two gigs today and moved a piano into my house that has been in the family for decades.
I think I am a little bewildered right now by the goodness and by where I am going right now... Can you tell by my writing style?
I haven't worked with kids in too long! I need to get more facilitation going.
Thank goodness I am going to Tatamagouche at 7am then, I suppose, to facilitate such a glorious thing.
Going to start working on the White Paper for the government on Social Enterprise in Nova Scotia on Monday. And seal the deal on beautiful Feild Trip times for Launch Point.

I haven't talked to my poppa in over a month, I miss him!
I haven't talked to my momma in a week and I miss her too!
Is Autumn always this busy?
Happy Harvest moon, y'all.

Couples

A friend said to me today
You must be pretty intimidating to boys because you are so full
and
It must take a particular skill set to be with you
hmmm...
I wonder if anyone is up for the challenge?
Or if it is even true?
Or if I even want to be paired?
Or if I can avoid being afraid to love or to be attatched to someone. My most pronounced cowardice.
When I care about someone my guts tell me similutaneously to run away and to stay forever
And also... I rarely rarely care about someone's like that. So it is uncomfortable.
Though, I seek discomfort, because it indicates I'm learning.
What are my guts saying?
What am I learning?






 
Perhaps I will just follow my guts:

I think I'm a hippie

So, I found myself at a lovely heart circle healing in a tipi this week... kind of a normal tale for me. I mean, I usually have a tipi in my backyard.

 I also run a big ol' open mic in my house. Full o' funny smells, music, beautiful people, group hugs, tea and hookah

Then, I had a lovely Birthday and fire spinners showed up around our firepit (our tipi had been borrowed for a street party... though my favorite fiddler and his lady love are about to move into it/our backyard for the month) while people cuddled in a new fangled hammock, a drum circle ensued, I think there was even some hula hooping.

I think often think of  myself as less hokey and more business than hippie. More science and business than I think of as hippie. But then I think maybe when I look at how others would look at my life, though... obviously epically hippie.

One of my dad's best friends, Larry, said to me once "Ha! No matter how hard Ian tried one of you still came out all hippie!" and my lovely cousin Cec recently labelled me as one of great power of flower.

I'm going to go dance barefoot and play for First Voices now.

(after writing e-mails to the mayor, Greater Halifax Partnership and working in an office all day)

Yup. Can't avoid it. Kind of love it.

Beautiful Birthday

 
 Birthdays are the most beautiful of occasions. People bestow you with pretty easy and obvious reminders of your luck in life. I am obscenely rich in so many ways. SO lucky. So loved, so enchanted with those I love and the life I lead. and how full it is! Goodness.

The chronicle of this birthday is quite funny thus far. I was incredibly lucky to share yesterday evening with the illustrious Julia Freake and Jeff Grandy as they exchanged wedding vows.
 

Julia is my surrogate sister, and it was the first wedding in our shared family. Other than Nick and Val's wedding I suppose, it feels like the first of my generation's real deal weddings. Everyone was so lovely! Sat at a table and reunited with both of my sisters (all of us together and single for the first time in nearly 10 years) and our momma, a former grade six teacher of ours who sang along to the background music ( Deja Vu by CSNY--one of my favorites) and her family. Danced with my sisters (including Rachelle, Collen & Julia) with my momma smiling on, drank, met new family and rekindled with old. Heart warmed into perpetuity.


The rest of the night was framed by the following moment: Susan ran to get me for a social excursion and slipped (dramatically and 'hilariously') ... still came to get me, and then fessed that she believed she really had hurt her arm.

We tried to be discrete, so not to upset the bride uneccisarily and then proceeded to leave the wedding, get lost trying to find the hospital in Dartmouth for pretty much 2 hours (We went to Sackville first, but the Emergency room there was Closed???  Did you know they close emergency rooms?) then was taken care of by Dartmouth General's really sweet staff, Slept on a few chairs, played trivial pursuit with a sleeping Susan, wrote in my journal,and it turns out she broke her arm, she got a dynacast (self-hardening splint) and a sling and we got home at 9:15am after consuming Burger King breakfast sandwiches. I love my sisters so much. We got grumpy occasionally, but it was actually an incredibly fun time, and Susan was really taken care of and... I think if we had tried to stay up drinking gin and watching movies at we'd planned, we wouldn't have talked and bonded so much. So, though I am sad Suzy doo broke her arm, I had a great birthday bonding time. I always want to hang out with my sisters.


It is now 2:45 on my birthday and I am just waking up, my heart is so full I wanna burst, watching Bored to Death and reading 95 beautiful Birthday wishes on Facebook and blowing my nose and thinking about my epic luck.


I'm pretty positive that this year I'll get to be a better person than ever before. Is this why growing old rocks??
Pumped. Pumped!!!!

Thanks for making me the luckiest lady alive.

One of the quotes of the night:

"I'm sure emerg would love two drunks and a dork coming in" -Sarah
"They're not drunk." -Mom
"I like that they are demonstrably drunk, and you left the dork comment alone"-Sarah
"...well... what can you do?"-Mom