Plan Be

 

 Sweet illustrious New Year

I am absurdly privileged.

I am excited to do right by the world

And I have a good feeling

About this one

"
Get this in mind early: We never grow up.
"
 

Some call the way the world works

"The Goldilocks Paradigm."

Not too hot, not too cold. Just right.

Not too big, not too small. Just right.

A precise balance
(I think this ignores that she did steal porridge
but at least she knew what she wanted, I suppose)

"
Avoid problems, and you'll never be the one who overcame them.
"

Sometimes I gravitate towards goodness 

and live in its extremes
So I seek problems so I might solve them
My pathology and my disposition encourage such a thing.
I seek to balance it all out

I love arguments and hearing I am wrong the morbidly beautiful, mortality, the ugly, the gross
the surly, because these are the ways I can feel my growing and know that I am knowing

Somewhat similarly in love,

I don't like fellas too hot

(so that I might imagine them deluded about who I am)

so I seek a caring coldness
Because I think it a better teacher

But really, I do want to live a lovely balance

Because otherwise I cannot give all I can give

And I cannot feel my rhythms which animate me
Cannot be properly called out
and called on my shenanigans
It is no good making out the problems others have with you as their problems
even if they are?
everyone's reality is of consequence


"
Allow the world to live as it chooses, and allow yourself to live as you choose.
"

I feel (and perhaps sometimes I pretend) everything is a mirror, and inherently a part of myself

But sometimes I forget to check for who I am
and recognize my own choices

In the Circle Game

I want to break

these bones, your prisoning rhythms

            (winter,

            summer)

all the glass cases,

erase all maps,

crack the protecting

eggshell of your turning

singing children:

I want the circle

broken.

Methinks, we all tell ourselves stories of our lives

because we all see things differently, and it is hard to deny everyone's reality is of consequence

Certainly to themselves. and if they are actors in the world then they are of consequence to us all

but it is all our own fiction we are telling ourselves and the world

and sometimes we forget to own our own fiction

That we are our writers

(Who do I want to be? Ultimately, how would I desire to be? Did that just happen?)

and for a wee while there not only did I not own my own fiction

I did not see the difference between me and the mirror

felt trapped, that something wrote me

rather than honoring my ability to respond

and did not even like the story I was telling myself








 "
Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.
"

It is a beautiful freeing thing

when you remember to choose life.

Right now I am obsessed with Bees.

 

It is so so interesting that the creatures only have one method of defense

and it rips their guts out

so they are not in any way defending themselves, 

they are defending the hive.

When I was a kid I always used bees dancing as proof of the divine.

I have been thinking
About being a conduit
About what it means to feel the divine
and yourself
and other people
always.
And how to best do it without being known as crazy
and without stopping hearing the wind
or negating the value of my dreams


(Polar Dip 2011)


And how to write a story
that is the best story
The one I have inside me
a balanced story
sensible enough that
the moral might be easily applied and internalized for those who read it
and I might still be bettered for it
and feel blessed and satisfied in watching its ripples
and all facets of what might be
from who I have been

And still telling whole truth.
that I might tell
.

My first dream of the New Year that I can remember is
sailing with David Crosby

by little islands
outside of Venezeula
"Sometimes the music is strong enough... it pulls out of us a better self" -David Crosby

I feel so free.
So aware of illusions
and happy for their existence
and their meaningful meaninglessness



"
I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?

"


Abosolutely.

 I am going to go see the river man.