Lessons from Love Songs

 King's Call Theory

I have a song called king's call

which I wrote while overcoming my grand love of

Kyle T. McKenna

who is still, in my eyes,

one of the most beautiful human beings to walk the earth

while overlooking a lake in Tamagami full of forever-monogomous loons

and thinking fondly and perplexed of

my affections for amazing & exceptional Brian Sandiland

-----

King's Call

Far from my soul I realize

I have sinned

To keep you for myself would make me a bad friend

But I want you to know

You make your own home

To my sides I see the men

who could do anything

But they won't heed the command

or chase their destiny.

But be yee not afraid

your yer own master

and your own

slave

Secret of soul I devise

to set you free

You may not know what I am

Just be glad I'm me

But I can be with no man

who won't be a king when he can

this king's call is for you

this kings call is for you

So I will go my own way

and you can't follow

I will go my own way

and be not afraid

for this is my place

Secret of souls we devise

to set us free

and help unbind the lies

which define our everythings

for I can be with no man

who won't take his thrown

or help his own

hands

this kings call is for you

this king's call is for you

But be yee not afraid

for we are all god: Made.

You will go your way

and I may follow

You will go your way

and be not afraid

for this is your place

This king's call is for you

this kings call is for you.

--------

It is one of my favorite songs, to date

and tells the tale

of being picky.

Needing someone who's own path would not be erased by me having a path

who did not look to me for direction

who's wings I did not clip

who can take responsibility for their actions in or out of relationships

who will be their best whenever they can

who will perpetually work on themselves

and be better for knowing me whether I am 'round or not

and vice versa

who is ready to

create their own reality

Only then, would I not mind co-creating with them

And, about the pain of letting go of a man I knew full well was a King

and one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen

but that I was keeping from his majesty

about how I wanna protect my heart

after true love, how

I need to find my own way

and to be true to myself:

Be a Queen.

The theory being that if you

Be who you want to be

and who you want

and then what you need

will come to you

But it must be something they own

and both partners must know themselves

I wrote this from an incredibly faithful and loyal place

I could not think past Real Love

and though others churned new parts of my mind

and touched my heart

I was holding out for something special

as special

 as a bewildered youngster, new to singledom

I was emotionally unavailable

And now, with the help of a lovely fellow who I hold forever dear--Brent-- I am understand the mechanics of my mind more

Who I am in a relationship.

Not thinking babies and kids marriage

but partnership. and mutual betterment

(though I still will only mate with those whose children I would have)

I left the door ajar, whereas I used to wholly close the door

to things unserious

aka that which paled in comparison

to what I remembered of what grew in a 6 year relationship.

Now I am finding calm in those things fleeting and forever

and I know now I withhold from giving all that I could give

and

I hold many expectations

I think I have learned to own what is my mind, my own insecurities

understand someone elses

and am figuring out the balance of productivity,

Getting rid of those self-defeating myths and ideas about love:

those things in my life which I think Love jinxes.

"I cannot write music when I am in love"

"I am distracted and less productive when I am in love"

I admire Brent so much.

and his path of perpetual improvment

and the fires he sets in my mind

And had I written a prescription for myself and my heart a few months ago

He has filled it.

Because I think love is forever.

All varieties of love.

I am often freely fond of even strangers

and I tend to keep and love those friends I make forevermore

and those that aren't, are not forever more for a reason:

So why would lovers be any different?

If what they say is "nothing is forever," then what makes love the exception? So why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?"

I still haven't quite figured it out.

But my love songs help.

Milieu means

Milieu

\mēl-ˈyə(r), -ˈyü, -ˈyœ; ˈmēl-ˌyü\

plural milieus or mi·lieux\-ˈyə(r)(z), -ˈyüz, -ˈyœ(z); -ˌyü(z)\

: the physical or social setting in which something occurs or develops

and a few months ago I wrote a song called 

Milieu for Brent Hiscock and those things fleetingly forever

---------

I have been a lone wolf for some time

For a time

But now tire of no one

Knowing my body or my

Mind

I have been suspicious of those

who

Thought I was a find

But I can share a moment with you

for we are of the same kind

Well lust can be healing

If you know what you do

If I gave you a moment

Would you learn from this milieu

Can we act with love

And give all our care

Can you act in love

Even if it goes no where

Don't let me say

This ain't a thing

I will celebrate your worth because I see you are a king

Even if it's a fling

But Lust can be dirty

If hearts aren't true

If we shared in this moment

Would you promise to be you?

In acts of love

I cannot hide all that I am

In the act of love you can't hide

Though I fear you can

Though you fear you can

So if you touch you'll teach me

You will shape me not break me

We will just renew/I can only learn from you

In this milieu

(Thank you Thank you Thank you)

------

 

 But, I am still love Kyle and he loves me.

And our tie shall never be broken

but I seem to forever hold him back

yet

 I simply want what is best for him

and even if we shall love each other forever

we are not done learning outside of each other

and not the best pair now.

The door is neither open nor closed, but I cannot let him mourn me.

He does not deserve to mourn.

So I wrote this:

to know

-------

I don't wanna be the reason you can't look at my face

I don't want our love's treasons

to make you feel out of place

'cause I will always love you but I should never need you

we need to know

we stand on our own

Don't make me into that thing

that keeps you up at night

I wish memories of our love

would tuck you in

just right

And I will always love you

but I can never need you

I need to know, I stand on my own

I will never give up on you

I will always believe in you

'cause we are where my heart built its home

but what you thought you lost with me

was not something that ever came from me

oh love

your direction is your own

So, don't mind that our memories

put a smile on my face

and 'cause the tie cannot be broken, 

it's a walk not a chase

And I will always love you

But you should never need me

you need to know

you stand on your own

you need to know

and let me go.

----

And last but not least,

I wrote another song for lovely Brent.

My first song on harp.

(though only one song, I already have many a picture of me with harp)

Upon realizing I had more to give

Brent touched my heart and mind in a way I shall revere forever

and I have never felt before

Like we took out our life lesson books and studied together

I have lots to give.

and I want to be my whole self.

We often debate about whether life is about you creating your reality, and or what is the value of helping others

What are others if you create your own reality?
Its like a choose your own adventure book, so what are the other characters?

So the beginning of this song is spoken from a place I think we both share

(wanting to be called on our shit, being guarded and defensive and stubborn, feeling both meaningfilled and a lil' meaningless)

and the middle is from a place of not quite spreading your wings

and taking credit for everything that comes to you as yours

instead of celebrating your muse

or when you shake hands with fate

and serve all those around you

and perhaps the will of the divine

and the end is the lesson I have learned.

And realizing 

I am no longer afraid of love.

------

I am a coward

in matters of love

I have no tolerance for those who won't move when I shove

but when I seem invunerable

how fragile I am

When I am intolerable, who can tell me I am?

and if I am so strong,

who is strong enough to hold my hand?

+

++

Oh, where has my heart gone?

Can I hear the wind?

And if a fortune falls 

in my favour

is it me?

Was it me?

Is it me?

Was it me?

So, remember

The heart in your mind

It makes sense to be kind

It makes sense to be kind.

And you are my wonder

you pretty lil' thing

and if the fortunes fall 

in my favour

it was we

it was me

it was we.

Remember

the heart in your mind

it makes sense to be kind

It makes sense

It makes sense

to be kind.

+++++

So, don't be a coward

in matters of love

and have the patience to 

unlearn

Unlearn

when push comes to shove

and If I seem invulnerable:
Won;t you take off my shell?
If I am intolerable, please won't you tell?

And if I seem so strong

be strong enough to hold my hand

and remember

remember.

----------------------

I have no name for that one.

But I am happy.

and content.

I am not afraid of love

I have no use of being a coward.