Matters of Love

Rant Style

How does Julia feel?
Sometimes I don't know.
It takes me a long while to feel.
especially if something is a lil' awkward or unknown
or I am gauging other people's feelings over my own.








ENTP-style
"In the ENTP, the lack of a well developed Feeling Function means that they must learn to “understand” feeling in both themselves and others and come to terms with its affects. This understanding can only come from thinking carefully about the ways feeling affects not only themselves, but others, and the importance others place on this function. The ENTP has a feeling function more or less global in character and one which does not judge fine differences. This inability to discriminate feelings can allow the ENTP to say and do much that leaves others in the cold, so an effort to think about the feeling process can be essential. "

(Well, Julia feels as such:) 
That is the essence of a good ol' fashioned Julia rant.
This is how I figure out my non-linear "ohshitIactuallyhavefeelings" feelings.
This is an old tradition of mine.
Especially I used to send these to my muses: Shean Higgins, Andrew Bateman etc.
Here is a brief disclaimer: Unlike hand-written letters, I don't expect people to read these rants. These are mostly journals when I am not certain how I feel. They do not ever involve a backspace and are a means of me holding my own thoughts transparent and accountable in thataway. By allowing them to flow. Julia rants are a time when I let myself pretend there is no time line or a need to draw connections or continium
I do not hold myself accountable in them, and not everything has hefty merit
but this does not mean it is meaningless

This journal is rant-central.

But my body is not a cage
and nor is language.
It won't keep me.

I am a Queen

This morning a lovely fellow told me I was like the Queen on a Chess board.

Able to go anywhere and rule the board in her own way

(with little patience for pairing with those who are going nowhere)

but protective of the mildly mobile King

(Those things that move slowly, but are the most meaningful to her and the whole.)

That fellow thought himself a King on a chess board

(A farmer and father and politician)

mildly mobile, but knowing always where he stands

I like this analogy, I cannot deny.

Falling in Love

I wonder if I can anymore.
Falling, that is.

Hmm.

It took me quite some time to fall in love the first time

But, I feel a lil' odd about it.
Its funny that sometimes I feel as though I should be in love.
The opportunity abounds.
and yet
There is something unbalanced about it.
I remember once my sister saying after being in love
she mediated herself into mild content
for she was suspicious of happiness
for she had come to know it eventually came with a price

Worrying about being caged can become its own prison

Just as breaking habits can become a terrible one itself.

I would hate to control someone

or be controlled

I realized some time ago that one of my biggest fears was being or having "An Ol' ball n' chain"
And I worry most about  muting the person I adore. 
I want to enrich not put out someones life fires and plans and desires.


I cannot picture the safe space
where I would be conivinced
love was a good idea.

I shall not have my wings clipped
I feel too rational for it. Can you be adult in mind about love? 
Could it then ever be called falling? Or feel like falling? 
Like that absurd all-consuming flame i remember from adolescence?.

But does this fierce indepedance mean I shall never be known?
Will I protect that intimate part of myself to a fault?
I am glad I am not easy about such things,
but it does make me wonder.
Perhaps I may stumble upon it on my path.
A stumble not a fall.
Equilibrium found?

Hmm.

My heart is a wee bit aflame though.

Conteded in some sort of blessed unrest

a long embrace

a comforting prod.

Let it be known.

I am a coward in matters of love for I have no patience for those who wont move when push comes to shove

But when I am invunerable How fragile I am and when I am intolerable who can tell me I am

and if I am so strong who is strong enough to take my hand?

If I have my own plans.

Then where has my spark gone? Can I hear the wind?

And if fortune falls in my favour, is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?

Remember: The Heart in Your MInd.

It makes sense to be kind.

It makes sense to be kind.

Time has Told me

 I quote this song perpetually in the direction of my heart as of late.

  So, I thought I should share what I think is a love song for friends, which I may well often sing in your direction. I often quote it to a man who is that catalyst of my mind.

Soul with no footprint

Who lets me leave the ways of making me be

what I really don`t want to be

and leave the ways which might make me love

what I really don`t want to love.

I am now going to sleep. My question mark is broken.
------------------------------------------------------

Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.

So I`ll leave the ways that are making me be
What I really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making me love
What I really don't want to love.

Time has told me
You came with the dawn
A soul with no footprint
A rose with no thorn.

Your tears they tell me
There's really no way
Of ending your troubles
With things you can say.

And time will tell you
To stay by my side
To keep on trying
'til there's no more to hide.

So leave the ways that are making you be
What you really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making you love
What you really don't want to love.

Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.

And time has told me
Not to ask for more
For some day our ocean
Will find its shore.
-----------------------------------

Equilibrium1

 What is a person to society and vice versa? 

"That 'when we walk, we know that we are walking, when we stand we know that we are standing.' It is that consciousness that permits a form of progress.'

 I have been hanging out with a beautiful man who seems to have a hard time understanding himself as a contributor to society, or as a good person for that matter because he thinks himself entirely self-centred. Doing everything to serve himself.
Because he is too busy trying to make the best of who he is to be distracted with the greater good.
Isn't that, often, the best thing you can do for the greater good?
But you still need to feel momentum and fire---
and humans as closed systems, or isolated individuals
are not not the best fostered creatures for themselves or the rest.
It is an exhausting practice.

I read an old journal of mine recently where I wrote (in grade nine):
Life goal:
Be a net gain for The Universe.

I think sometimes we often get stuck like this. Either wary that we need to do more more more outside of ourselves that we forget to work on what we like about ourselves.
Or we grow wary that focusing on greater goods will erase us or misdirect what we really want and therefore isolate ourselves from feeling real satisfaction.

 But I still strive for Greatness.
 I just never want to get lost in it. To miss out because I focus on gaining.
But without it, we often don't really know our own direction or cannot be really motivated to claim it. We cannot feel purpose in such a pronounced way, we seek personal perfection instead of knowing what is good enough to help the world and ourselves is often good enough to fuel us for a long long time.

"The problem seems to be that our talents and characteristics drive us more than we drive them. We encourage or develop them or deny and frustrate them. Either way, we are serving what exists within us-- a form of personal reality or personal certainty..."


And to me, being a good person in incredibly self-centred and self serving. Is it not? I mean, if you focus on empty ends and never get affirming feedback you can never actually wholly capitalize on your own life or plug into you offer the world and vice versa

"...There is nothing odd or strange about this; nothing wrong. As I've said, we need these certainties. They are our primary reality. And society needs these contributions from us. It is good to be a successful salesman or writer. the wings need to hold firm on the planes we build for others to fly in. We need to be sung to."

I more or less said this to him:
"Any sense of power or powerlessness we have revolves around whether we believe we have the qualities with which we can have some effect on our destinies and on that of our society--no one great life-directing quality, but a whole range of them, all of equal importance, each with different roles. these permit us to change ourselves from passive beings to humans."

I think it is mildly demeaning that you say you are motivated solely by self-interests. Especially since you could not exist without society. Humans are born dependent on such things, on greater society otherwise(like other mammals) we would be born stronger, more mobile and independent. Also, that insulting thought is the root of many things socially painful-- the assumption that those ads, that consuming that being self-centred, all-consuming soulless gluttons is some sort of answer. How you typify your own wants, might be different, but your seeking without any thought of higher purpose or grander purpose than yourself is just as vacant in its destination as what a mach3 razor presents itself as offering your destiny unless you tap into all that you are giving... and recognizing yourself as a giver, or part of that which surrounds yee and made you you.pretending as though it appears as a closed system, though I am fairly certain you rationally think otherwise, is a foreign tale to me.

How can you follow through on your logic this way?
You have Aidos and Dike my dear, otherwise you would not survive. Know that you use them, and use them knowingly! Or at least feel not that you are a fraud, or fooling. Because it is but you yourself who is made a fool by habituating such a practice. You are more than just skill and self. You are quality and virtue. You are the quite lovable, nurturing, contributing you.

 So plug in!

Something talked about in Equilibrium is Plato's idea of Zeus telling Hermes to give human kind Aidos and Dike.
I want to talk about that more next time.

------------------------------- 

So, for a long time people had told me I was quoting John Raulston Saul and I would retort "I have never read JRS" and that would be the end of that. I am mid-read of Equilibrium, my first book in a long long while, and I am perpetually surprised by how much it echoes my mind. Now I am wary to keep reading, because in the future I may be quoting JRS when I mean to be just being myself. Dang.

This entry was heavily quoting and referencing the first pages of On Equilibrium 

The reason this post is titled "Equilibrium1" is because I assume I shall touch back on what reading has done to my mind.

---------------------------------------------

Montreal

How does one describe my travels in Montreal?

We had the luck of having a ride from Enfield right to Montreal, with sweet and delightful Tim the Trucker, and had another offer with a trucker named Manjit who had a tiger claw pendant, much like Brent and my Polar Bear claws. Now there are two lovely truckers I can call in case Halifax-Montreal travels arise.

Really!

We listened to Neil Young almost the whole way, I was introduced to sweet Johnny Horton, who is certainly the best Trucking soundtrack of all time. We also rocked out to Steppenwolf and The Who, got smoked out with Players, drank novelty-cup amounts of coffee and slept with the engine running... I have never smelled so bad in my life but I was incredibly happy and blessed to run amok with such beautiful creatures.

I also got to play in the back of a truck. Yes!

 Tim Time!

 Brent and I were dropped in East Montreal, where we were basically from Industrial Avenue bee lined it to The Metro, then to Atwater Market, then we went our separate ways: I rocked Sam & Sophie's house, Matt Brown and Erica Johnson, Dayna Currie, Johnny Eaton, Athena Holmes, my beautiful cousin Christine Wight... so many more.
Brent and I even fought a lil', which I never do
So it was immensely interesting.
Oh, Montreal!

So many new loves!
So many old!

Then I played my first full-fledged house show! So much love, and so many people I wanted to hug kept coming into the room which my cousin and her newfie roomies had so lovingly lent.

Athena made this lil' video of me. Thanks Athena.

Then I played a show at La Passage on Sunday... with these awesome ladies and gent!

walter and irene

Athena Holmes

Galen Hartley

 

 Ate poutine, care of Olivier.

And team awesome Francophone.

Got boots.

Got Breakfast.

Got friends

Got thumbs

Got Quebecois finest Boreal Blanche.

Got Sleep.

Got a ride from Matt Brown

hitched 'er back on a sort of spiritual journey o' serendipity and metaphysical conversations
which remedies all fights
and cleared my mind

and.

am happily home

renewed

revived.

and

knowing better what I want in life

Who knew?

I shall visit you again, sweet Montreal.



Couples

A friend said to me today
You must be pretty intimidating to boys because you are so full
and
It must take a particular skill set to be with you
hmmm...
I wonder if anyone is up for the challenge?
Or if it is even true?
Or if I even want to be paired?
Or if I can avoid being afraid to love or to be attatched to someone. My most pronounced cowardice.
When I care about someone my guts tell me similutaneously to run away and to stay forever
And also... I rarely rarely care about someone's like that. So it is uncomfortable.
Though, I seek discomfort, because it indicates I'm learning.
What are my guts saying?
What am I learning?






 
Perhaps I will just follow my guts:

Celibacy

Since I was young I have had non-catholic inklings and desires about being a nun, about harnessing the divine powers of an independant, chaste woman. And yet here I am: Julia.

Certainly not a nun, or catholic. But there is something to be said for being wedded to God and/or the energy that you can keep or apply to the world when you are not invested in mating as a rule, or in the very least not invested in reflecting on why we participate in our sexual desires and acts. How come we have become somewhat unthinking in our reproductive activities? I am so enriched by breaking from cycles of desire. It becomes easier to write music often, to self reflect, to operate on a higher level... and historically, through nuns and beyond, it was used as a powerful tool for ladies, and meant you could better speak for yourself and for the people because you were untainted and holy. Because you wouldn't submit to your desires.

Is it the opposite now? Is chastity seen not as a virtue but an affliction? I feel Chastity is not seen as a productive social tool, and would make one an outcast now... so hard to relate to, so urecognized in popular culture. People who are cellibut are thought of as those who simply can't get some. Have the chaste become mythic now? Pegged as insane, deprived, misguided? Part of me feels judged as an old-lady type just for writing this, but I don't think 'abstaining' should be just for right-wing and repressive sorts. And, as it is, they are undiscussed, undervalued Pariahs. Sure, young virgins are covetted sexually, and those who play hard-to-get might win some soial points in the end : But what ever happened to the legitimacy of Cellibacy?

These are the top hits for nun in google images: